I Won't Say That I'm Okay
by ausllylover
Summary: He didn't know why he was here. He didn't know why he decided to do this concert. He hadn't performed since she left. He couldn't dare, he wouldn't. *ONE-SHOT* [austin/ally] angst


**listen to I Won't Say I'm Okay by Front Porch Step**

* * *

He didn't know why he was here. He didn't know why he decided to do this concert. He hadn't performed since she left. He couldn't dare, he wouldn't.

Performing was something they had always done together. He wouldn't do without her, he just wouldn't. Performing would never be the same without her, it would never be. He knows that she wouldn't want that, he knows that she would want the best for him. She always did. But this concert was for her. Everything would always be for her, now.

But he couldn't. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't do this anymore. And no matter how loud the screams of his fans were, and how great the rush of performing felt, he just _couldn't_.

So Austin ran backstage. He ignored the screaming fans, he ignored his confused parents, he ignored everything. He wanted to ignore everything, he needed to.

"Austin!" a familiar voice rang out. His head whipped around to meet the crazy haired Latino. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I don't know," he replied truthfully. He never did, anymore. Not without her around anymore. "I don't know, anymore. I never do." His voice cracked and tears were threatening to spill out. "I can't perform this, Trish. I can't do it without her."

Trish gave him a sad smile. Austin was most definitely the most hurt because of the tragic event. "We all can't do it without her," Trish confirmed. "But this is what she'll want, right? This concert is for her, Austin. This is all for her."

"I - I can't do this Trish," he said with tears streaming down his face. "I'll never be able to do this."

"Your fans are waiting for you, Austin."

He nodded. "Yeah, but Ally's not."

_:::_

He called her. The number was glued in his memory, not like he was going to forget in anytime soon. He quickly dialed the number. It rang, and rang, and rang. And it went straight to voice mail.

"_Hello, this is Ally Dawson! Sorry I couldn't get to my phone on time. I'll try to call you back as soon as possible! Thanks!_"

He knew that she wouldn't call back. She never did anymore.

And he called her every night just to hear her voice. Even if she didn't answer. All he needed to hear was her familiar voice. He would never forget that beautiful voice. Never.

He left a message. "I miss you, Ally. I miss you a lot. I just.. I just wish that you could be here."

All Austin did nowadays was nothing. He occasionally ventured out of his room to get some food or go to the bathroom, but other than that, he never left. He never had done a concert until today. He didn't know why he agreed.

His parents checked up on him a lot. They wanted to make sure he was okay. He wasn't okay. He never was. He would never be. He didn't know how Trish or Dez or her parents were dealing with it so good. A month after it happened, they went on with their lives, like normal. He couldn't do it, he didn't know how. And even if he did, he wouldn't.

He wouldn't want to continue life without her. His life was her.

His thoughts were interrupted by his parents. "Your fans are waiting, Austin! You need to go up there!" Mimi Moon said in a rush

He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. He had never cried in front of his parents, even when he was younger. "Tell them to go home. I'm not doing this," he said, tears pooling up in his eyes. Austin tried to blink them away, it didn't work.

His parents looked at him sympathetically. "Austin, it's a normal thing in life! It happens to everyone!"

"But why did it have to happen to Ally? She was so.. she was so young. She didn't deserve this, mom. None of us did! Why did she have to go? She meant so much to me. Sh - she didn't have to do this. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I - I can't do it mom. I can't do it anymore. I can't perform without her. I'll never be able to."

They shake their heads. "You don't have to let it go, you never really do. It's not your fault, it never was. But this is what Ally would want, she wouldn't want you to be upset. It's been a year."

"Only a year," he says with a shake of his head. "A year. I can't perform without her. I can't sing without her. I can't be without her. Mom, she meant so much to me and I—"

"Do this for her," his dad says. "This is all for her, finish it for her. Just this once, Austin. Perform this song for her."

"Okay. Okay."

_:::_

He sat down on his seat. He looked in the crowd for Ally, no matter how useless it seemed. He would look for her, he always would. "Sorry for the hold up," Austin says with a shake of his voice. _Hold yourself_ _together_,_ Austin. This is for her_. "I won't be singing a lot tonight. I'll be singing a song I made."

Everyone claps. "Before I begin, I would like to say something." The tears were threatening to fall. "This song I'm about to sing isn't just any song, it's a song dedicated to my best friend in the whole entire world. Ally Dawson." No one talks. Everyone is listening. "A lot of you may not know, but there is a reason why I stopped performing. Last year, this day, my best friend in the entire world got hit by a drunk driver. She was killed instantly. I stopped performing because performing without her was like a crime. Nothing would ever be the same.

"She was the best, _is _the best person in the entire whole world. I loved her, I still love her. I didn't get to tell her before she left, but I wish I did. I wish I did every single day. Ever since that day, I feel like shit. She's my world, she will always be. I just wish I told her that before she died. She means so much to me and - and - a lot of the time it's too much to take."

He gulped down his tears. It was hard for him, to talk about this. He hadn't in a year. "She was on her way to my house. I feel like it's my fault because maybe if I took a longer shower, or maybe if I didn't ask her to hang out, or maybe if it didn't take me ten minutes to do my hair, she would still be here. I just wish she was here, I wish she was telling me to stop crying, I wish she was telling me that it's okay, I wish she was rubbing my back, I wish she was writing a new song, I wish she wasn't gone.

"She was so humble, too. She told me everyday how I didn't need her, how I would be so much better off without her But I can't do anything without her, not anymore. She is my world, she will always be. And no matter how much she told me I didn't need her, I need her now. I need her more than anything. I - I just need her."

He was crying. He had tried not to, he really did.

"This song is dedicated to her. I miss you, Ally. I love you Ally. I'm sorry."

I won't hold my tongue  
I'm not okay without you here  
I guess what's done is done  
I just feel so exposed without you near

And I won't say that I'm okay  
'cause you taught me not to lie  
So know that I'll miss you everyday

You always taught me to be good  
And always do my best to be selfless  
But I know that God is holding you  
And I am so damn jealous  
'cause I miss your arms around me  
And the way you make me laugh  
And now I'm stuck inside this prison  
That says you're never coming back.

So I'm sitting in my room  
As I try to write this song.  
I'm so sorry that it's not good enough,  
It's just that everything seems wrong.  
And I keep bursting into tears  
Because the pain won't go away  
Because the Father took my best friend  
And said she cannot come out to play  
Anymore.

I won't hold my tongue  
I'm not okay without you here  
I won't hold my tongue  
I'm not okay without you here  
I won't hold my tongue  
I'm not okay without you here  
I guess what's done is done  
But I just feel so exposed without you near.

And I won't say that I'm okay  
'cause you taught me not to lie  
So know I'll miss you everyday

You always taught me to be good  
And always do my best to be selfless  
But I know that God is holding you  
And I am so damn jealous  
'cause I miss your arms around me  
And the way you make me laugh  
And now I'm stuck inside this prison  
That says you're never coming back.

And now I'm sitting in my room  
As I try to write this song.  
I'm so sorry that it's not good enough,  
It's just that everything seems wrong.  
But I will try my best to be good  
So I can pave my way  
Straight through the pearly gates  
Into your arms so we can play  
Once more.

And for the first time since her death, he smiled.

* * *

**fin.**

**i feel like this wasn't that sad but maybe im just dumb**


End file.
